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30 August 2008 @ 08:38 pm
Twilight -Prologue  
Twilight. Once a mere description for a time of day, the mere word now inspires extreme emotions in everyone who has delved into the shady side of fandom. Love, confusion, blind fury, a desire for kerosene and matches -these are just some of the reactions this controversial novel has stirred.

For the first and last time, I will state my stance on the books. I hate the things. Although I have never actually read them, the quotes and online arguments I have seen did the job just fine. But then it occurred to me that it wasn't altogether fair that I condemn the series without a hearing. So I thought I'd give the books a fair trial, then mock their inadequacies. Let it not be said that I am an unfair woman.

To share in the MSTing I have brought along two psychotic genii, because I figure they can't sue for damage to their mental health. Yagami Raito from Death Note:

Raito: I get to be superior and condescending? Where do I sign?

Raito is a manipulative Japanese sociopath with a Messianic complex that blends effortlessly with his God complex (interestingly, not the same thing) who kills 'undesirables' with his 'Death Note'. Also present is the Master from Doctor Who:

Master: Once I understand the mind of the teenage fangirl, I can finally beat the Doctor at his own game!

The Master is a manipulative Time Lord sociopath with some serious UST with the only other surviving member of his species. It's very sad, I think.

Master: Why am I even working with this ape? What's he done that's so great?

EmeryBoard: Umm, basically? Killed a lot of people.

Master *sneers*: What, ten, twenty? Maybe even a hundr-

Raito: I timed my judgments so I executed exactly one million criminals by my twenty-first birthday.

Master: . . . I think I'm going to like you.

EmeryBoard *is creeped out*: Okay. So these are the two lovely gentleman, who are going to be sporking Twilight with me. Without further ado -the prologue!


But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil,

thou shalt not eat of it:

for in the day that thou eatest thereof

thou shalt surely die.

Genesis 2:17

Master: This is off to a promising start. Apples on the front cover, biblical references in the quote . . .

Raito: For the record, the Bible never specifically mentions an apple. The only reference is to the fruit of -

Master: Yes, you're very smart, now shut up.

EmeryBoard: I'm more worried about the fact that it's rendered in Ye Olde Englishe. Why use the King James Version -

Raito: Unless you want to be needlessly pretentious? Even my scripture-quoting scene used readable English.

EmeryBoard: *heddesk*

I'd never given much thought to how I would die —

Raito: Freak.

though I'd had reason
enough in the last few months — but even if I had, I would not have
imagined it like this.

Master: How do you know if you've never -

EmeryBoard: Oh come on, we're only a couple of sentences in. Give the girl a chance.

I stared without breathing across the long room, into the dark eyes of
the hunter, and he looked pleasantly back at me.

Raito: Waiting for you to die, presumably. Since you're not breathing.

Surely it was a good way to die, in the place of someone else, someone I
loved. Noble, even. That ought to count for something.
I knew that if I'd never gone to Forks, I wouldn't be facing death now.
But, terrified as I was, I couldn't bring myself to regret the decision.

Master and Raito: *jaws hit floor*

EmeryBoard: Look, just because you two would rather tear apart the known universe before you give up a chance at survival . . .

When life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it's
not reasonable to grieve when it comes to an end.

The hunter smiled in a friendly way as he sauntered forward to kill me.

EmeryBoard: Ouch. Most awkwardly worded ending sentence ever.

Next: Chapter 1, Part 1.
Tags: ,
The natives are: boredbored
eryaforsthye: Monkeryaforsthye on August 30th, 2008 12:44 pm (UTC)
I love you. Will you marry me? :D

*tracks entries for future Twilight!MSTs (because I'm evil like that)*

Emma: 'insaneemeryboard on August 31st, 2008 06:26 am (UTC)
*giggles* I haven't seen you for *ages*! Glad you like it though -enjoy!
a silent tsunami of stealth: dw // rose // omgsundayschild on August 30th, 2008 02:38 pm (UTC)
First off, I would like to let you know something right now, so you don't get a shock late when I say something similar: I have read (except for the last one, but that's a matter of convenience, not purposeful avoidance) and enjoyed all of the Twilight books. I think that all of the wank and anger surrounding them is completely ridiculous -- not because I don't understand where they're coming from, but because I think getting this upset over a book is a waste of energy. (Unless it's, like, a book that says killing people is okay or something, in which case, get as worked up as you want.)

This said, I freely admit Twilight is crack. Crack that made me cry once or twice (I emote easily), but crack nonetheless. But oh, what shiny, sparkly crack it is. XD No, but seriously -- the sheer unlikelihood of it all (vampires being 'sparkly', this whole "imprinting" nonsense, the "I can read everyone else's mind but yours", all of the "Edward-left-angst-like-whoa" -- notice I don't even mention the bit about vampires or werewolves being real XD) is probably what drew me in. It's like crappy, cracky fanfic...and that's why I love it. :D

Also: your Master/Raito commentary made me laugh [loudly]. :) Moar plase?

Also also: I agree about the awkwardness of that sentence. I visibly cringed the first time I read it. Now I just sort of...twitch
treeson: [dinosaurs] ladies pleasetreeson on August 30th, 2008 07:34 pm (UTC)
Dude, vampires and werewolves and fairies have to be real. What else could explain the 1] sickly guy across the way who I never see in daylight 2] the Fenrir-throwback [along with his stench] that hits on me every time I buy a pack of cigarettes and 3] the amazingly hot chick who I caught myself staring at for ten minutes???


<3 treeson
Emma: 'twilightemeryboard on August 31st, 2008 06:29 am (UTC)
I'm fine with people liking them as harmless fluff -but when they start trying to tell me that they're on par with Shakespeare, I have to cringe.

And the whole imprinting thing . . . well, let's just say very few things leave me as hot under the collar as that.

But yeah. I read crack!fic all the time, no sweat. It's when people keep insisting THEIRLOVEISSOROMEOANDJULIET that I want to hurt someone.

Next chapter bit is up now though -hope you like it!
Jade Murasaki: PSOH Count D humans strangejademurasaki on September 5th, 2008 05:14 pm (UTC)
You know I enjoyed them (as "crack" as sundayschild mentioned), although you also know it was mostly due to my addiction to vampire fiction and my love of Alice as an awesome secondary character that I enjoyed the series as Fluff (my word for it). Even as vampire fiction goes it is FLUFF. I read very little fiction anymore, so when I do it is usually one of my few "theme" fictions that I read (or by certain authors).

I agree though, when people start comparing the books to Shakespeare I want to go into convulsions. I do have to say I enjoyed reading them more than I enjoyed reading any of the William Faulkner or the James Joyce that I ever read (you read my "bad" review of "A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man" didn't you?) in "The Restricted Section" club at HiH didn't you?

Still, to even compare this series to "Romeo and Juliet" which was 1) A PLAY 2) Written in Iambic Pentameter (by Shakespeare or not depending on whether you are a Shakespeare conspiracy theorist as my sister is) BY THE GODS!!! is about as absurd as comparing the majority of fan art to the art of Rembrandt (or if you prefer a modern artist, Pablo Picasso).

I could do a whole essay on why, despite the fact that Bella and Edward are from different RACES of humanity (and not just feuding families of humans as in "Romeo and Juliet") and are in love, that their story is NOTHING LIKE "Romeo and Juliet". I'm too lazy and too busy to do so though, so I won't.

Edited at 2008-09-05 05:16 pm (UTC)
Emma: DW: annoyedemeryboard on September 12th, 2008 05:04 am (UTC)
You are the wind beneath my wings. I agree with everything you've said, plus a healthy dose of 'They're saying these books are good at teaching our daughters moral lessons, yet advocate suicide if you're love leaves you'?!

People are so stupid sometimes. Ah well. It makes it so much easier to point and laugh.
(Anonymous) on March 12th, 2009 01:16 pm (UTC)

sorry :/
treeson: [DH] death spoke to themtreeson on August 30th, 2008 07:31 pm (UTC)
Oh, I can't wait for more. GIVE ME IT NAO.

Impatient treeson is impatient.

<3 treeson
Emma: 'pwnedemeryboard on August 31st, 2008 06:29 am (UTC)
*hands over next half chapter*

Spork Ninja: Shigure heartmero_chan04 on August 30th, 2008 09:02 pm (UTC)
Feck, you you are brilliant. The use of Raito is just bringing out the sheer joy from me. Can't wait to read more XD
Emma: 'iPodemeryboard on August 31st, 2008 06:30 am (UTC)
I've been wanting to use him for a MST for ages, and this looked like the perfect opportunity -I'm really glad you liked it :D
Jade Murasaki: Artist: Suza Scalorajademurasaki on September 5th, 2008 04:55 pm (UTC)
I laughed so hard reading this that I almost spat out my Mocha Frappachino!

Also: I recently joined this LJ that is a parody of "Twilight" from a different aspect. You might enjoy it too (I don't think it will affect your personal spoof by reading it either).


Jade//Owlie OvO
Emma: 'his dark materialsemeryboard on September 12th, 2008 05:05 am (UTC)
I love it. *sets to work reading the lot*

Btw, I still don't know why she left Phoenix ;D
Love! Slash! Angst!loveslashangst on September 9th, 2008 04:29 am (UTC)
*giggles with guilty glee*
*tacklepounces Master*

And I will pet him and love him and call him George.

You, my dear, are seriously twisted...

But that's why I love having you for a friend. ;)

*goes on to read the other entries*
Emma: DW: happyemeryboard on September 12th, 2008 04:44 am (UTC)
Re: *giggles with guilty glee*
*huggles Master* You cannot has! He's mine! At least while I'm MSTing this story.

Oh, I'm very twisted. I grow steadily more twisted and cynical -and frankly, stuff that tastes of diabetes like this . . . thing . . . doesn't help at all. One day, I hope to win the Nobel Prize for Sarcasm.

Or not.
Willow The Strange and Sunlight Deprivedforgottenranger on September 12th, 2008 01:35 am (UTC)
You brave... brave girl. I bow to thee *bows*
Emma: 'iPodemeryboard on September 12th, 2008 04:45 am (UTC)
Yeah, you better bow -or I shall make my eyes glow red and smirk at you. And I'll do it too!

(Anonymous) on October 16th, 2008 09:22 pm (UTC)
This is made of win.

Awaiting the installment of chapter three!
Farseer Loloteafarseer_lolotea on May 26th, 2009 06:54 am (UTC)
I'm tagging this, since this is the only way I'll be able to actually read the bloody (c wut I did thar?) thing.
Farseer Loloteafarseer_lolotea on May 26th, 2009 06:54 am (UTC)
Tracking this, even. :P