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12 November 2009 @ 10:41 pm
Twilight -Chapter 10 Part 1  

I'm finally back with more. All I can offer by way of an excuse is that I really do not like Twilight. And also TAFE.

So, since Arty and Butler went down so well last time, they're back this week!

Cass: Wow, you broke their brains already? Normally, it takes a couple of chapters before they're actually willing to dish on a chapter with you.

EmeryBoard: Aurum potestas est, my dear Cassandra.

Cass: What?

Artemis: A tonne of gold. A metric tonne.

Cass: Can you actually do that?

EmeryBoard: And then Holly decided that it was only right to pay Artemis the gold she'd promised him, and after many dangerous adventures, deposited half a metric tonne of gold in his main bank vault, the other half to be received after services rendered.

Artemis: *checks bank balance*

Butler: *restrains patience*

Artemis: That will do admirably for starters. Now, let us begin.

It was very hard, in the morning, to argue with the part of me that was
sure last night was a dream. Logic wasn't on my side, or common sense.

EmeryBoard: 'In fact, Logic hadn't been on speaking terms with me for quite a while, and Common Sense had long since declared it had no part in my behaviour before eloping with my Survival Instinct.'

I clung to the parts I couldn't have imagined — like his smell. I was sure
I could never have dreamed that up on my own.

Edward-O-Meter: 037 for the man's freaking *scent*

Artemis: Since imagination is not your strong suit, I would have to agree. But then, delusions are apparently something you are very familiar with, so I can't be completely sure.

It was foggy and dark outside my window, absolutely perfect.

Butler: Doesn't Miss Swan hate the rain?

Artemis: I fear our hostess is too busy braining herself on the edge of her screen to answer. Please restrain her, Butler. I would hate to lose half my commission payment.

EmeryBoard: After all that *thud* complaining, she *thud* just starts liking it *thud* out of the freaking *thud* blue?!

Butler: Please stop hurting yourself or I will have to . . .

EmeryBoard: Hurt me?

Butler: It occurs to me that my usual approach may be lacking somewhat.

He had no reason not to be in school today.

Artemis: If you were going to be in attendance, I can assure you that any sane man would find at least three very good reasons not to attend school.

EmeryBoard: Pity we've yet to find a sane man in Twilight.

I dressed in my heavy clothes, remembering I didn't have a jacket.

EmeryBoard: Wait, how does that work? I thought she wasn't wearing one; did she leave her jacket with Edward and I was too spaced to realise?

Further proof that my memory was real.

Artemis: *twitch* The grammar . . .

When I got downstairs, Charlie was gone again — I was running later than
I'd realized. I swallowed a granola bar in three bites, chased it down
with milk straight from the carton, and then hurried out the door.

Butler: How . . . interesting.

EmeryBoard: This is one of my main problems with SMeyers. While it's admittedly hard to create an interesting scene from breakfast, this is just pathetic. It's the sort of slap-dash, lazy paragraph I write when I want to skip to the good bits; the difference being I expand the paragraph later when my conscience gets the better of me.

Artemis: I would say SMeyers conscience is currently face-up in a gutter somewhere.

EmeryBoard: Just like Bella should be.


Hopefully the rain would hold off until I could find Jessica.

Butler: This would be Jessica she appeared to loathe and detest?

EmeryBoard: Oh, she treats everyone like that.

It was unusually foggy; the air was almost smoky with it. The mist was
ice cold where it clung to the exposed skin on my face and neck.

EmeryBoard: Wow. I actually . . . like this bit. I would have engaged more of the senses myself -a reference to the smell of wet grass crushed beneath her shoes or a little more detail as to how it made her feel -actually, you know what? I don't like this bit. I just don't hate it as much as everything else in this book. I am not a particularly good author, but when I can think of two or three suggestions to improve a section without even thinking hard, you have a problem.


I couldn't wait to get the heat going in my truck. It was such a thick fog
that I was a few feet down the driveway before I realized there was a car
in it: a silver car.

Artemis: Ah yes. The *sniggers* silver Volvo.

EmeryBoard: Personally, I would have given good money to see Edward drive a new VW. I've been looking for a place to use my Dad's comment about gay men and hairdressers for almost nine chapters now.

My heart thudded, stuttered, and then picked up
again in double time.

EmeryBoard: Umm, this sounds like a heart attack to me. Any backers?

Artemis: Heart attack.

Butler: Or a form of neurotoxin.

Artemis: Is that likely?

Butler: No, sir. I left the neurotoxins in the car.

EmeryBoard: . . .

I didn't see where he came from, but suddenly he was there, pulling the
door open for me.
"Do you want to ride with me today?" he asked, amused by my expression as
he caught me by surprise yet again.

EmeryBoard: GRARGH! I have been writing way too much 1st person just lately to let that slide. If she thinks he is amused, then say that. Bella's opinion is subjective and should be presented as such. These momentarily slips into omniscience are Not. Appreciated.

There was uncertainty in his voice. He was really giving me a choice —
I was free to refuse, and part of him hoped for that.

Artemis: Just part of him?

It was a vain hope.

EmeryBoard: I know that feeling. I mean, I remember opening Twilight and thinking that this had to be a joke. Surely . . .

Artemis: If it helps, I'm not convinced it isn't.

EmeryBoard: Oh, if only.

"Yes, thank you," I said, trying to keep my voice calm. As I stepped into
the warm car, I noticed his tan jacket was slung over the headrest of the
passenger seat.

Artemis: Tan has been ruined forever.


The door closed behind me, and, sooner than should be
possible, he was sitting next to me, starting the car.

"I brought the jacket for you. I didn't want you to get sick or
something." His voice was guarded. I noticed that he wore no jacket
himself, just a light gray knit V-neck shirt with long sleeves. Again,
the fabric clung to his perfectly muscled chest.

Edward-O-Meter: 038

EmeryBoard: I want to be witty here, I really do. But all I can do is roll my eyes so hard I might sprain something. Fanfic authors and SMeyers need to remember; imperfections are what make people interesting. Genuine flaws make them real -and for the last time, A FIERY TEMPER DOES NOT COUNT AS A FLAW. Isn't it vastly more interesting to write and read characters whose love is based on shared interests or complementing personalities?

Artemis: And vastly more subtle.

Butler: I doubt subtlety is something SMeyers worries about a great deal.

It was a colossal tribute to his face that it kept my eyes away from his body.

Edward-O-Meter: 039

Artemis: Heaven forbid you should exercise self-control.

"I'm not quite that delicate," I said, but I pulled the jacket onto my
lap, pushing my arms through the too-long sleeves, curious to see if the
scent could possibly be as good as I remembered. It was better.

EmeryBoard: There is no part of that paragraph that does not make me want to kill you.

"Aren't you?" he contradicted in a voice so low I wasn't sure if he meant
for me to hear.

Butler: *extremely unprofessional eyeroll*


Artemis: He is a vampire and presumably has excellent hearing and perception of the world around him. If he says something Bella can hear, it is because he wants Bella to hear it. Conclusion: Edward Cullen is a passive-aggressive sociopath.

We drove through the fog-shrouded streets, always too fast, feeling
awkward. I was, at least. Last night all the walls were down… almost all.

EmeryBoard: Just hit it with your head, Bella. It's the only way you get information anyway.


I didn't know if we were still being as candid today. It left me
tongue-tied. I waited for him to speak.

Artemis: *lip curls* How very . . . demure.

He turned to smirk at me. "What, no twenty questions today?"
"Do my questions bother you?" I asked, relieved.

EmeryBoard: Everyone together now.

All: YES.

"Not as much as your reactions do." He looked like he was joking, but I
couldn't be sure.
I frowned. "Do I react badly?"

EmeryBoard: This woman is pathetic. Everything she does or says has to be approved of by her Lord and Master. Disgusting.

"No, that's the problem. You take everything so coolly — it's unnatural.

Artemis: When even the other characters are noticing the blatant lack of characterisation, you have a problem.

It makes me wonder what you're really thinking."

Butler: She isn't.

"I always tell you what I'm really thinking."

"You edit," he accused.

EmeryBoard: Just like what I'm doing now. Bella and Edward have about as much chemistry as Padme and Anakin Skywalker. If this is what counts for banter nowadays, I am freaking Shakespeare.

*snip for nauseating dialogue about NOTHING*

Under the shelter of the cafeteria roof's overhang, Jessica was waiting,
her eyes about to bug out of their sockets. Over her arm, bless her, was
my jacket.

Artemis: Well, that answers your question about the jacket.

EmeryBoard: Is it normal for teenagers to use 'bless her' in casual thought? Because I've always associated that sort of phrase with my grandmother . . .

"Hey, Jessica," I said when we were a few feet away. "Thanks for
remembering." She handed me my jacket without speaking.

EmeryBoard: I realise this is kinda like complaining about the fleas during a bout of Black Death, but isn't that a little weird? Would you say absolutely nothing while seeing someone for the first time today? And she's giving her something -I mean, at least a 'here you go' as you handed the jacket over would have been far more normal.

Artemis: Normal? SMeyers?

EmeryBoard: Oh, right. Sorry, my mistake.

"Good morning, Jessica," Edward said politely. It wasn't really his fault
that his voice was so irresistible. Or what his eyes were capable of.

Edward-O-Meter: 040, 041

Butler: Jujitsu?

Artemis: Advanced quantum physics?

EmeryBoard: Writing a better story?

"Er… hi." She shifted her wide eyes to me, trying to gather her jumbled
thoughts.

EmeryBoard: *presses the 'play' button*

Cassette Player: When writing first person, you HAVE to stay inside that person's head and limited vision for it to be convincing! Bella has no idea what a person is thinking! SMeyers, you suck! You suck so hard I haven't had to sweep my room in YEARS. You fail so much Al Gore's speeches look like well-constructed factual presentations. You hurt me so much -

Artemis: Methinks someone has been writing a little too much 1st person fanfic for this story.

EmeryBoard: I could have written nothing but Pop-Up books and have no trouble finding holes in Twilight.

"I guess I'll see you in Trig." She gave me a meaningful look,
and I suppressed a sigh. What on earth was I going to tell her?

EmeryBoard: 'May all your chickens turn to emus and kick your dunny door down'.

Artemis: What on earth . . . ?

EmeryBoard: Traditional Australian curse.

Cass: Really? Because I'm Australian and I -

EmeryBoard: I know where you keep your vegemite.

Cass: Use it all the time! At least three times a day I'm going to kill you.

"Yeah, I'll see you then."
She walked away, pausing twice to peek back over her shoulder at us.

EmeryBoard: I hate you, Bella. I hate you, Edward. I hate you, Jessica -but not quite as much, since you also seem to dislike Bella, if not as much as I do.

Butler: Would it be possible for anyone to hate Bella more than you do?

Cass: Someone call?

"What are you going to tell her?" Edward murmured.

EmeryBoard: 'The truth, of course. I was almost raped thanks to my own stupidity and the author's incredibly hack excuse for plot development and Edward saved me.'

Artemis: You're giving her credit for a brain again.

EmeryBoard: Oh, in that case . . . 'LOLOLOL, EdWARD is SOOOOoOO HAWT!1!! I LUV HIS FOREVA AND I WANNA HAVE HIS SEA-MONSTERS!'

Artemis: It's . . . so hideously beautiful . . . like everything Bella is in one condensed package.

"Hey, I thought you couldn't read my mind!" I hissed.
"I can't," he said, startled. Then understanding brightened his eyes.

EmeryBoard: 'And then I fainted at the sight of his beautifully bright eyes. Because I have the constitution of one of those little dogs rich snobs keep in their bags'.

"However, I can read hers — she'll be waiting to ambush you in class." I groaned

Butler: I thought she was Bella's friend.

EmeryBoard: Does Jessica sparkle?

Butler: What?

EmeryBoard: Sorry, we're not up to that bit yet. Just wait and see.

as I pulled off his jacket and handed it to him, replacing it
with my own. He folded it over his arm.

Artemis: Then I took a breath. After I held it for a few seconds, I breathed out and started to talk.

"So what are you going to tell her?"

Emery: At the risk of repeating myself -the truth?

"A little help?" I pleaded. "What does she want to know?"

EmeryBoard: Why she was created? I mean, she's not even a foil for the protagonist -I refuse to call her a heroine. She's just there and mildly annoying. Which is still two massive steps ahead of Edward and Bella, who are both massively annoying.

He shook his head, grinning wickedly. "That's not fair."

EmeryBoard: You know what's not fair?

Artemis: No, but I'm sure you're about to tell us.

EmeryBoard: Oh just . . . shut up.

Artemis: *eyebrow* How inventive.

EmeryBoard: Yeah, well . . . you smell.

"No, you not sharing what you know — now that's not fair."

EmeryBoard: Have you ever been to a team meeting? That's not unfair, that's an everyday part of life!

He deliberated for a moment as we walked. We stopped outside the door to
my first class.

Artemis: *flinches* The transitions are physically hurting me . . .

"She wants to know if we're secretly dating. And she wants to know how
you feel about me," he finally said.

Butler: Stand by for forced romance, sir.

Artemis: When even Butler can see it coming, you have a problem.

"Yikes. What should I say?" I tried to keep my expression very innocent.
People were passing us on their way to class, probably staring, but I was
barely aware of them.

EmeryBoard: No, please Lord no! I'll do anything! I can't handle SMeyers attempts at romance! I'll do your tax returns, I'll wash your car, I'll sell sparkling popsicles on New Moon's opening night -please, no more romance!

Artemis: This cannot end well.

"Hmmm." He paused to catch a stray lock of hair that was escaping the
twist on my neck and wound it back into place.

EmeryBoard: AAAIIIEEEERGH!!!

My heart spluttered hyperactively. "I suppose you could say yes to the first…
if you don't mind — it's easier than any other explanation."

EmeryBoard: I hate you.

"I don't mind," I said in a faint voice.

EmeryBoard: I hate you so much.

"And as for her other question… well, I'll be listening to hear the
answer to that one myself."

EmeryBoard: I hate you more than 11am-4pm shifts.

One side of his mouth pulled up into my
favorite uneven smile.

EmeryBoard: I hate you more than that guy who sits next to you on the train and insists on ramming his elbows into your side.

I couldn't catch my breath soon enough to respond
to that remark. He turned and walked away.

EmeryBoard: I hate you more than a Britney Spears live performance.

Artemis: So you dislike -

EmeryBoard: WHAT DO YOU THINK, LITTLE BOY?!

Artemis: . . .

"I'll see you at lunch," he called over his shoulder. Three people
walking in the door stopped to stare at me.

EmeryBoard: Okay, I'm fine, I'm cool, I'm fine.

Butler: Are you certain?

EmeryBoard: You know the worst part? My own OT3 fanfic looks good compared to this! My fanfic!

Artemis: So that's a 'no'.

I hurried into class, flushed and irritated. He was such a cheater. Now I
was even more worried about what I was going to say to Jessica. I sat in
my usual seat, slamming my bag down in aggravation.

Artemis: How do you 'slam' a bag? Does she have doors in it? Easily rattled windows?

"Morning, Bella," Mike said from the seat next to me. I looked up to see
an odd, almost resigned look on his face.

EmeryBoard: 'I'm never gonna tap that.'

Artemis: My pure, unsullied -

EmeryBoard: We've done this joke. Shut up, and let me finish. I'm already going to get enough comments on how long this took to come out.

Artemis: And it's my fault you are incredibly lazy?

EmeryBoard: I am going to write Artemis Fowl fanfic now, just to make you suffer.

"How was Port Angeles?"
"It was…" There was no honest way to sum it up. "Great," I finished
lamely.

Butler: Well, finish as you started, I say.

"Jessica got a really cute dress."
"Did she say anything about Monday night?" he asked, his eyes
brightening. I smiled at the turn the conversation had taken.

EmeryBoard: Wait, wasn't he crushing on Bella not . . . umm, two chapters ago?

Artemis: Bella must have released him from her clawed grip.

"She said she had a really good time," I assured him.

EmeryBoard: Because you totally asked her. You're so kind and sensitive and thoughtful and selfless and -

Artemis: Did anyone ever tell you to cut back on the sarcasm? Because you need to.

EmeryBoard: There is no kill like overkill.

"She did?" he said eagerly.

Butler: No. She did not.

"Most definitely."

Artemis: Normally, I admire bald-faced liars.

EmeryBoard: She's only bald-faced because she can't grow a beard.

Butler: . . .

Artemis: What does that even mean?

EmeryBoard: Exactly!

Mr. Mason called the class to order then, asking us to turn in our
papers. English and then Government passed in a blur,while I worried
about how to explain things to Jessica and agonized over whether Edward
would really be listening to what I said through the medium of Jess's
thoughts.

Artemis: Do you hear that, Butler? That, old friend, is the sound of your IQ dropping.

Butler: Yes, sir.

How very inconvenient his little talent could be — when it
wasn't saving my life.

EmeryBoard: Gratitude. Foresight. Common sense. Three concepts Bella holds in much the same regard as she does consistency.

The fog had almost dissolved by the end of the second hour, but the day
was still dark with low, oppressing clouds. I smiled up at the sky.

EmeryBoard: I hate the world.

*massive snip. The writing is horrible, Bella is a lying liar who lies and SMeyers needs to learn how to construct dialogue*

"I do have some trouble with incoherency when I'm around him," I admitted.
"Oh well. He is unbelievably gorgeous." Jessica shrugged as if this
excused any flaws. Which, in her book, it probably did.

EmeryBoard: Che, she's so shallow that way.

Artemis: Why can't she be more like Bella? Awkward and shy and a bookworm?

Butler: These . . . umm . . . blondes are all the . . . same? I'm sorry sir, I can't do it.

Artemis: It's all right, Butler. You tried.

EmeryBoard: Which is more than SMeyers can claim.

"There's a lot more to him than that."
"Really? Like what?"

EmeryBoard: You know, this would make a fantastic horror story. A man is convinced he is a vampire and seeks out young, vulnerable women. He seduces them and feeds upon them, tearing out their throats in the belief that they will rise again as the undead. One woman must stop them. And that woman is not Anita Blake.

*micro snip. I hate you, SMeyers. Stake you, and stake the undead sparkling pony you rode in on*

She'd had enough with the single syllable answers. "How much do you like
him?"
"Too much," I whispered back. "More than he likes me. But I don't see how
I can help that." I sighed, one blush blending into the next.

EmeryBoard: Mr Head, meet Mr Desk. You two will be spending an awful lot of time together . . .

Then, thankfully, Mr. Varner called on Jessica for an answer.

Okay, the update will hopefully be coming sooner, but no promises. I usually break them anyway. But I will try.

Edward-O-Meter: 041

Chapter 10, Part 2
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The natives are: crappycrappy
 
 
 
phantomcraneflyphantomcranefly on November 12th, 2009 04:37 pm (UTC)
Yay! 'In fact, Logic hadn't been on speaking terms with me for quite a while, and Common Sense had long since declared it had no part in my behaviour before eloping with my Survival Instinct.'



Thanks for updating, this was just what I needed to brighten a day that wasn't going so well. :)
Basilacres_and_acres on November 13th, 2009 03:57 am (UTC)
Butler almost had something there, it was very close. Maybe next time.
what a catch.: Caps Lockrocketgirl2 on November 14th, 2009 03:31 pm (UTC)
Loved it! I'd tell you which parts I liked most, but that would probably involve copy-pasting your whole fic into the comment box. And you wouldn't like that, I'm guessing, and it wouldn't fit.

Hope you get a chance to update soon!
Meovaraapsteeltje on November 22nd, 2009 08:51 am (UTC)
Ooh win win win. I could so see this after watching New Moon yesterday. (Luckily most of the other people were lolfans too with only a few Twihards. We made lots of comments about the movie ^^)
Also, I hate 11-4 shifts too. But even worse is 5-10 pm, trust me.
I hope you get a chance to update soon because you are awesome. Also - post up that AF fanfic, please? :)
star_jinin: meet allied forcesstar_jinin on November 23rd, 2009 04:53 am (UTC)
*brain dies*

I dunno what's going on, but I can't be the only one thinking this is the most horrendous chapter SMeyer has written by far. FAILFAILFAIL.

*snickers* And I thought I was the only one going LOLWHAT on the AnakinxPadme! Well, it's true that there weren't many girls in SW, but still...

Ah, but Butler happens to be an avid reader of romance novels! (I think...*needs to reread the series*)

Just happened to notice, but I think you're slipping into your Emery-voice while writing in Artemis's POV. And it doesn't seem to be just a few times either. By all means, don't stop writing Arty and Butler! Butler's fine, as far as I can tell.

Sorry about critiquing on the first comment I send you in quite a while, but it was sorta kinda bothering me.

And we really need to talk about bringing Holly in the bits about Bella being such a weakling under Edward's Stu-ness :D But then she'd probably end up like Cass or something.

Ahaha, such unpleasantness on such a late comment! Sorry 'bout that. *hugs* Eagerly waiting for the next installment!
give me time. and a crayon.the_gabih on November 24th, 2009 05:48 pm (UTC)
I use 'bless her' in regular conversation- although having said that, I talk very differently to most other teenagers.

Anyhoo, this is the perfect antidote to having watched New Moon on Saturday. Thankyou so, so much, and good luck with your course!
(Anonymous) on June 18th, 2010 04:57 am (UTC)

...you're not dead, are you...?
Emmaemeryboard on July 15th, 2010 11:27 am (UTC)
Yes. Yes I am.
(Anonymous) on July 15th, 2010 05:54 pm (UTC)

well that's a shame
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